jessica

 Been a while yes, I know I'm slacking. School started this week which is good since i've been crazy bored lately. Hangin with the gang as usual. Anyways, theres a point to this entry which must be said.  I have been enlightened hahahaha. weird but thats teh only way i can describe it. I'm reading this book, The Passion, and there was a part i just read where the girl confessed her love towards a werewolf. not unusual. well that cant happen, physically impoosible, but hes like whatever, ill let her know that but shell still be my play thing. and shes just so naive that it makes me sad for her. i was SO into the book that i actually felt as if i knew how it was or something. i know sounds like im on crack majorly. but this whole evening ive just.. been? haha. idk, sounds crazy. guess i need some sleep or something

Hello friends!! WOOT!!! NO MORE DRAMA!! no love affairs, no more dissapearing friends, no more feeling like your losing all hope of.. haha no idea. nevermind!!  so yes, everythings good. but then why do i still feel as the the world is crashing around me? i think its just in my head or something but, idk that doesnt stop the fact that when im alone or just listenin to music i feel lke crying, or even when im with people. i just feel the need to cry. i dont.. but i want to. its so ridiculous.  i just want school to start and then ill be better. ill have something to do with my time instead of the nothingness which condemns me now. ugh. got my drivers license the other day. awesome!! haha. mom even lets me drive to little places like kats house, the store... were workin on bigger goals though, ra g2g. downlodading tons of music. <3

Oh wow. Been a while right? Well I'm back so hello.  So i just got back from Ocala! Fun. haha. yea, drama out the butt! Just obnoxious cousins, self righteous aunts.. ya know.. fun.  So anyways Kyle spent a couple days here about a week ago and then Kaylee and Kassidy spent the night. Then Saturday I went to Ocala with Kyle, Becca, and Eddie. haha it was a blast. Tara and the girls are leavin Monday. And I'm gettin ready to go the the beach tomorrow so I'm probly gonna spend the night there Sunday. Gettin my drivin test on monday. Wish. Me. Luck. haha. I am crazy downloadin music right now. Well thats all for now. Maybe next time there will be more to rant about. Wont be for a couple days though. <3

THATS IT! im tired of it, i really am. People just need to get the hell over the fact that i have the tendency to be a bitch. Its who i am and who ive always been. its not like i changed. i am tired of people saying i need to change and yadda yadda yadda. Its BULLSHIT!!!! my best friend, forever!!!!! is yellin at me about bein a bitch yesterday. yea, after i got off? i hung out with eddie and christian. big mistake. the fuckers. hey just kept pushin me, i was already pissed about bein kicked awake, and then ive been worried im losin them. HAHAHAHA! i went off on them. not like major, but told them to get the hell outta my house. that was it. ok so i kinda went to kick them. but still, it wasnt that big of a deal. i wanted to kill them. but i didnt. so, i went took a bath, cried, completely broke down, and talked to becca. who decided i needed a break from them. GOOD IDEA! well i told the boys that i needed a day. christian didnt say anything. Eddie? he was ALL over that. askin what was wrong, what the big deal was and made me realize that it wasnt that big of an issue, and that i didnt have to change, jsut pick my battles. and it was surprising that it was him. because i had always wondered about our friendship. i know it sounds horrible. but it just always seemed as though he was only there because he felt as though he had to be. like to come see becca, but i was there so he made it seem like he wanted to see me too. and a part of me still thinks this. but idk. last night i realized that hes still my friend and that i can still count on him to be there for me when i need him. which also made me feel alot better too.Im now just worried about me and christian. cause as i type were in a myspace battle. pathetic i know. but ugh. im just tired of this shit, and off bein told im too much of a bitch and need to change. ive heard it too much. and usually only from a select few who just choose to be on repeat. i have the feeling that im gonna come out of this knowing who my true, take-me-as-i-am, friends are. and i just found out. haha. yay! Fairy tale ending, and i won. while both being logical and a bitch.

I'm trying, I really am. I promised Christian that I wouldnt be a complete bitch and have a major temper or attitude. But then him and Eddie come over are and bein these major dicks and jsut sayin a bunch of shit that really pisses me off. I dont want to make him mad so seriously the only thing i can do is walk away. Which just further pisses me off because i know that now theyre gonna bother me about leavin them and so is mom. I'm just gonna be liek it was that, or i was gonna fuckin lose my temper. Which I am soo venting to you.I wanna just fill this whole damn page up with random cusses and crap that just wont make sense, but knowin some of the people who read this.. Ill try to chill. My horoscope for today said "Empty promises cause upset. Be careful not to indulge sercret information today. You will have a greater involvement in groups; however, they may not be to your advantage." Big coinceidence right? FOrced to be fucking Mary Sunshine, and already I want to rip my eyes out. He better know what I'm goin through just so hes not aggravated. Ugh. Whatever I'm tired of this shit. I just want them to leave. I dont want to talk to them, look at them, or hear of them for a long time. Oh wow, tomorrows horoscope? Even better. "Don't say something you'll live to regret. Focus, and concentrate on yourself and your future. Residential moves are evident. " This is just great.

Yss! I'm soo excited. Well not really. But I'm no longer sick.. which is kinda exciting. I hate being sick. I need a job. It's pretty much a must.  Cause I need a job because I'll be able to drive soon. And dont they go hand and hand? I mean whats the point of havin a car if theres no destination? Unless of course thats the point and you just want to drive aimlessly. Which is always a fun thing. I spent the night at Gramma Sally's place last night with the familia. It was funn! Played Super Smash Bros for the first time in forever. Haha I had forgotten how much I sucked at that game. So yes, just startin the day. I'll probly lounge in the pool all day. Soak up some rays. 

Peace.

sorry for the delay.

im in florida now!

yay.

sick thugh, major sore throat. sucks.

ive been with amber like all day these past 2 days. awesome!! we cut her hair and dyed. looks great! then we went swimming today.

talkin to old friends. always funn.

later loves.

Hello there. Well, nothin much here. Gettin on to pass the time. Talkin to Amber..again. Wow, im startin to sound like her lesbo lover or somethin. haha no. She just got home from an amazing date with some hottie. Lucky. haha. Well its passed due for her anyways so YAY!! I'm just waitin for Inuyasha to start. I hope I make it all the way through tonight. I'm so upset that they moved it 30 minutes later. I cant stay up that late. haha. 2 is pushin it. Anyways. Just packed and cleaned today. Leavin for Florida tomorrow. Along with Tara, Kaylee, and Kassidy. I just hope that dad doesnt make it a big deal liek he sometimes does. I mean, I'm 16 and he makes me feel like a complete baby cause i start blubberin in the airport. Great.  I've been avoidin him like all day. Well, not really.. but I havent like.. hung out with him. Makes it easier?? haha idk.  Well anyways, besides that. boredom. Song I love tonight... The Bird and the Worm


<3

OMG!  Long day. Well, feels that way, but it actually went realtively fast. Confused? Yea, me too. Any ways. Tara and dad had to work today. I watched Kaylee and Kassidy until like 7. But even after dad got home i was playin little mom. Then he went psycho cause he couldnt find the remote to his tv. Hes slammin crap around adn cussin. All while the girls were sleepin. I was pissed!!! The he takes my remote. So i go up there and get it back to turn the channel so i dont have to press the button like 700 times (not exaggerating). Hes all grrrrr rawr rawr rawr. But whatever. 

Hahahaha. Amber just soo made me feel loads better. Shes amazing. I wish we hung out more. It kinda bothers me sometimes that we dont. Not like I'm very proactive about it. But thatll change. It needs to. I seriously think shes th eonly one of my friends (even if shes related) that really gets me and just.. knows stuff. Haha. Im glad shes stayin for college.  Anyways. Banana Phone + Amber+ bananas + amazing.
Is it wrong that I have to think about that Gwen Stefani song when i spell bananas?
This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!
YUCK.
I watched 3 hours worth of All My Children today. omg. haha Im pathetic. And now I have to wait to watch todays until Tara gets home. *tear*

Welp, shes home. Much love.

*this song is stuck in my head*


In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you
Can't get through to you
It's been a helter skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors
He will never forgive her
He will never forgive her
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Sitting by a fire
On a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl
Little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine
In this moment i'm lonely
Fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven this broken heart of mine

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
                                   One last kiss
                                     Before I go
                                    Dry your tears
                                 It is time to let you go
                              Because days come and go 
                                 But my feelings for you are forever
                              Because days come and go
                                But my feelings for you are forever
                                 One last kiss
                                 Before I go
                                   Dry your tears
                                  It is time to let you go
                                 One last kiss
                                 Before I go
                                  Dry your tears
                                  It is time to let you go
                                 One last kiss

Woooo!!!! 10:00 at night, all alone, music in my ears. Heavan! Taras at work, which sucks but is cool at the same time because I get some down time to myself. Which is always nice because everyone needs theirown time for themselves. 
Currently I am listening to The Used, always a good choice, on fictionpress, spillin secrets to Amber.. the usual. 
Majorly waitin for Eddie to call me with the info on what the hells goin on while Im like 1099 miles away. SUCKS! But he'll call me if i have to hunt him down. Haha. 
It feels so good to talk to someone about stuff that you've been hiding for soo long. Well not that long, just since everything has started. I think this whole journal thing is pretty cool too. Just to get out my emotions. And not care who reads it. No one knows i have it. And i like it that way. Becuse i dont have to worry about what people will think of me, becuase i dont know them. And even if I do, unless they matter to me, I could care less about what they thought.
Ugh whatever. I cant wait until Tara gets home so that we can watch All My Children. Fun fun fun!

Well must go. Not that I have anything to do. But whatever. 

So lately I've been thinking. Basically the dirt old question, 'who am I'? Vague sure, but ya get it. But I don't just mean in the universe, or society, or even stereotypically. I was thinking personality, my likes, interests.. the things that really matter to me. Then I began thinking about other people and how they saw me and a person, I began thinking of ways to better myself to suffice other peoples as far as their wants and expectations of me. Why? Thats what hit me first. Why should I change for some other person who probably has their own issues to worry about above how I need to change. I mean sure if I go around puttin person after person down then yeah, I need a change. But when I am asked to change because someone else doesnt like how am? Bull. Absolute bull. And ya know, there are people reading this sayin, 'Wow what a tard, you never need to change for someone else'. EXACTLY!!! And thats exactly what I used to say. But probably a little under a year ago I started to change myself, for acceptance, expectations of others, or just what other people wanted. Ridiculous! Thats what that was. And its times like that you need to really watch your friends. They are the key to know how you are. Weird but just pay attention. They'll start lookin at you as if seeing you in a different light when you say something.. not you. You may brush it off, but they know. They know you and how you are and that is important. If you know your friends as well as you think, then they may just be the window of stayin how you are. Or knowin when you changin for the wrong reasons. I brushed it off. Shouldnt have, but I'm seeing that now right? That counts for something it must since I've considered this on my own and without a divine intervention which I can absolutely see my friends making. So anyways, this rambling has a purpose. Maybe not to you, but to me. No freakin longer am I, unless abslutely necessary, am going to change just to please other people. No matter who they are. Friend, boyfriend, family member (within reason). Unless it'll help me in the long run, it wont happen, I will be what I want. Not that I'm gonna be a bitch or anything. But I'll be what'll make me happy. Which is someone who wears everything, has not boundry with fashion, isnt a true believer of being in fashion, listens to everything from classic to hard rock, has so many different kinds of friends that all they really have in common is me. And I am going to be the person people either love or hate. As long as they love/hate me for exactly who I am and not who they or I think I am. 

Farewell and Goodnight